Now we're parents we've worked out What Children Want.
So, this year, at 12.00 noon on The Lord's Day, we're transporting you back to when life was nasty brutish and short.
Luckily, it's also the Golden Age of drunks.
Ye are invited to a Middle Ages Tournament.
We're hoping to transport you back in history to when life was nasty brutish and short.
Jousts, quintains, pointy metal things, chains and ye clash of metal upon...
well... gaffa, probably.
Hosted by ye creme of Medieval Aristocracy and ye foremost strolling players of Christendom in a blur of Heraldic Splendour (Unless interrupted by Robin Hood and her Merry Catamites).
We hope to carry out much of the event in Latin (We know what the public like, because we've told them) and, ever keen to keep abreast of contemporary issues, we'll be on the outlook for religious zealouts.
See Rules and Groundsman's notes.
Usual last-minute setup as Sms rushed to and from Tek handing out more copies of the paperwork they should have been passed months ago. Tek were splendid and, when handed three tapes and a cd, just said ';We'll put it all on one cd for conveniencre'.
The 'Set' was a brilliant Tromp L'oile 'Castle' effect achieved by stage flats and some bunting left over from our last street party.
The event was heralded by O Fortuna and Jousts tended to be fought to the sounfs of 'Robin of Sherwood' music, but soon descended into Queen classics ('A Knights Tale' ref) which Tek were very happy to wack the volume up on as they were Queen fans themselves.
The Sisters of Susan Calvin led the audience in arm-waving to 'We are the Champions', Towards the end of the Tournament, Tek issued a heartfelt plea 'Get them to wave their arms properly. It's painful to watch' (The plea, 'They're fans. They have no sense of rythmn' was ignored) and began to lead the arm-waving from their scafolding tower, which did improve things considerably.
Two very small knights could be seen at the side wearing chain-mail and waving their swords to the chant of 'Robots! Robots!'. This would have been Joel and Ethan, sons of Thomas De Torquemada and Lady Elaine.
Considerable uncertainty as to whether we were going to be able to obtain the services of The Greatest Troubador In All Christendom continued through the Con as Sms kept pouncing on The Legend Made Flesh with a script, who promptly kept running away. On the hour, however, TGTIAC strolled onto the arena with, not just a lute, ananimpressivly tasteless outfit and a maiden-slaying grin (He even brought his own maiden) but also a full range of fully scripted and scored roundalays and folderolls.
We're at present in negotiation for the web-publishing rights for these texts.
Further details of this Black Belt in the arts of Courtney Love, who has burst hearts throughout all of Bavaria, been mentioned by The Holy Pontiff as 'Possibly our finest weapon against the temptations of the Adversary' and winner of the 'Mr Most Well Stuffed Tights Of 1286' may be found at www.magician.co.uk
At no minutes warning, we were thrilled and amazed to be graced with the heartening and inspirational presence of His Royal Highness King Richard The Sealion Heart. Given exansive gusto by James Steel, the king not only knocked up his own crown from bits of cardboard lying about the stage but also put the audience at their ease, intimidated the Sheriff and handed out the prizes.
Thomas De Torquemada welcomed the presence of three members of his Brethren who had (We are told 'Knocked their shiny helmets up in their bedroom the previous night'). Brother Stef, Brother James and Brother Elvis were particularly solicitous of the small children at the Tournament, making sure they got the prizes they deserved and, at some point, swiftly disabling mousetraps as Cuileann The Dwarf walked towards them.
"Piers, who's nearly seven, brought this Sir Dark Gimp into being". One of those disturbing robots that works just as well upside down as the right way up.
Lineage: None whatsoever.
"Haloo, my naaam iss Sven Sveeeden. I ammm a dogg. Yess. I like the sauna wit te pret-ty girls. Yess. I kicka your arse. Like the Vi-kings. With great big horns and axe. Oh yes. You sucka the donkeys and blow their chunks. I kicka your arse. Rover returns". Return of the robotic dog from 'Today's World'... this time with furry anklets and... horns... The rumours that the above text was written by Geoffrey Chaucer have been closely examined by the Brotherhood and found to be ill-founded.
"Brave and steadfast, but not always able to lurch into battle before cover" Another of Tim's splendid walking-robots. Yes, it walked!
"He likes carrots so much his hand turned red" A disturbing rabbit on a disturbing carrot-themed car-thing... with a lance!
Alledged Heavy Engineering Bought a knighthood with money from his sucessful catering business. The R2 unit he won in a game of whist with the Earl of Baguette.
???
"Started off as a Lego tank but ended up as a Tecknix pull back and go. Team seeks London Lego builders for 2004".
"Out of Gimp, from Gimp, the loins of Gimp came forth, the spawn of evil joining, it's come to despoil and SHAVE YOU". Another desperate attempt to publicise the 'They Came And Shaved Us' con in Ireland this October.
"Knex and Gaffa tape. No weapons other than a jousting stick. Maximum speed: Have no clue. Weight: Yes we probably will. 3 years experience of Knex in last 11 years". Rat Gimp Knight and Peasant Elvis "Origin unknown" Look... it's a great big rat sitting atop a mobile cloth box. Like the Black Death al over again... as an Alton Towers ride.
Lego tanks Mk I and II now with added Gatling gun! Exactly as it sounds. Initially we thought this was a flagrant transgression of the First Law of Cychotics. It's a goddamn projectile weapon with a rotating drum that launches missiles f'krissakes! On the other hand, the Bendy Rules Proviso of 1996 allowed Bazooka to convince us that, whilst the missiles might damage robots, the nosecones were too large and soft to damage anyone's eyes. Very cool!
"Another BASTARD gimp child bricks, bullshit, ballsology and hard graft, shave me baby!"
"First time". (Ahhhhh) Cunningly constructed from handy kitchen items. If Ikea opened a branch on Skaro, it would soon be put to just such a use... Originally built by ??????????????? for a Fannish version of Blakes 7/Dr Who but granted mobility by Steve. Exactly the sort of serendipity we look for. Steve nuzzled and cosseted the little Mk1 Serving Machine for the rest of the Con and 'Squaddie's face upon being told that he'd Co-Won the VC was a delight.
"Swift as a swallow, blue as the sky, spiky as a porcupine on Viagra. The incredible Sonic Knight is ready with it's deadly lance and twin super slicer blades. It slices, dices, even cuts Gregorian fries". It's a blue box really. With blue ridges.
quot;K'Nex manufacture 2 days experience of K'Nex within last 13 years. Heavily armoured 4 wheel drive monster truck".
"Bastardised from Gimp IV! Has a bloody great big mousetrap!" (With helpful diagram of rat before and after)
???
"(I'm sure you can repeat the speech word-for-word)" A fully articulated, mobile ducking stool with a genuine witch (Brother Thomas assured us it was so) The ONLY robot actually built from wood and fabric, about the weight of an unladen swallow*. We really needed more. The terrible thing was that not one of the 'Presenters' could repeat this seminal Monty Python sketch word for word. Oh yes, we can now, obviously. Anyhow: Sally is definitely a witch. That nose is genuine. If she's able to take it off and make it look like a piece of root vegetable held on with string, what more proof of her unnatural powers do you need It's just a pity there was no village pond handy really.
*European.
(?)
An accurate sculpting of the Tenniell illustration, mounted on a mobile cloth base. "The Shadows might have had something to do with it..." Sally is a woman who knows her Source Texts. We were particularly impressed that she called this 'Jabberwock' (Which is a Manxome beast) rather than 'Jabberwocky' (Which is a poem about a Jabberwock). This is an error all too many people are making nowadays.
"My robot is called Spectrum because it is all different colours" That girl doesn't miss a trick does she?
"Given to him to placate the Sheriff at Easter, by Uncle Thomas De Torquemada" Say what you like about Fascistic Xenophobic Post-Death shades inhabiting the bodies of their subjects to wage a war of Fundamentalist extermination throughout the galaxy, they do give really good toys at Christmas. This really cool little thing which could look like a robotic firefighter. It was crap at jousting though.
"This sphere is haunted by a hamster that died in the dungeons five long years ago. If the sphere moves, it's the hamster doing it. Woooooo!" There was the occasional eerie movement... but we think it was the audience breathing heavily.
The true essence of Fanness Neofan Sir Tim. First of a new line of robots... Odds blood! The thing flies! Brother Thomas was too slow in identifying Sir Tim as a Witch.
"A testimonial to the solidity of all Dark Ages architecture. The precursor to all House Robots". After wandering aimlessly about the Pitch, being besieged by every Peasant in the Tourney, the thing began to fall to pieces, distributing brightly coloured plastic bricks all around the area.
Robot-Smiths emulating ye illustrious 'Sir Richard' 'Brave Sir Robin' and 'The Baby Eating Bishop Of Bath And Wells' will find ye 'S.C.R.A.P.' Robot Workshop open from Thursday to Sunday morning to demonstrate Ye Chivalric Arts. For the first time in S.C.R.A.P. history, juggling was performed on the premises. We might not have a licence for this next time.
Following ye hugely successful 'Sprokkette Idol: Sprokkettes In Manacles', is 'Holy Idol', an 'Inquisition' to find pure young ladies to form Ye Blessed Sisters of Maria to perform during ye Tournament. (Mr Greely, our Cultural Advisor has carried out extensive research and has told us 'This is what the young people want'). Those wishing to audition may drop into ye 'Wimple Workshop' in ye Chaos Costume to learn how to make Wimples * and... revealing side-slashed robes really. (Only historically accurate materials, no pvc or leather... oh, all right then). Knowledge of Latin, a virtue... Knowledge of Sin will do just as well.
As ever, the winners will be under the expert tutelage of Cal who has, not merely years of gruelling experience in this field and Doctorate in Ecclesiastical Turpsicore, but has just finished a highly successful run in Gilbert and Sullivan's 'Heretical' light operas.
Bring ye own soft fruit. Admin's not told us not to, though we've broached this topic a few times. I'm sure they have it covered.
Your Host: SMS
(On behalf of Mr M. Greeley: 'Silver Angel Enterprises' etc.)
'Silver Angel Enterprises' is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
If you feel equal to the opportunity, you're in.
* (That's ye face-framing headgear that Nuns wear folks! Think 'Sound of Music', think 'Black Narcissus', or just think 'The Devils')
(Communication with Admin: A problem we'd like to solve)
Every year, we bombard Con Admin's with details of BC in an attempt to have the simple details organised as much in advance as possible (A year is our target. Each year we know what we're doing and direct their Admin to our notes. See 'Groundsman's Notes'). Most years, Admin tells us 'We get round to that later' and months pass with us pestering them, until the event itself... and then we're supposed to sort it.
Since April 2002, Seacon3's Admin Team have been mysterious and shy. As we understand, they're very busy organising a brilliant and fool-proof convention and so are too busy to reply to BC correspondence. It must be born in mind that the Seacon 3 Committee only got confirmation that they were running this during HeliconII, and they're probably a wee bit rushed. Still, one way of sorting these things out, in our experience, is replying to messages from people offering you a programme item. It's also completely true that we're not Smofs. We just do 'events' (This year we organised two street parties, one party and two Christenings. Nae paperwork). Still: It's been months since we talked to someone at the last Eastercon and, quite honestly, we don't know what's going on.
In place of this, John Dallman has stepped in to act as 'Liaison' between them (Who organise the Con) and us (Who organise BC) to facilitate matters and avoid any confusion and has worked very hard indeed at this (We're seriously considering putting these communications up on t' website 'cos... they're funny).
This Communication Breakdown - we hasten to add - isn't new. It's happened at a lot of cons, but this year, the result could be more serious. This year, unlike previous years, Eira and Sms will not be able to turn up on Thursday and organise the event from scratch.
This time around, if we turn up to find (As has frequently been the case) that no-one's read or listened to our requests for those things that make BC work (See 'Groundsman's Notes'), we'll not be able to sort it. Due to being parents, we're going to be spending a few hours in the creche (In between setting up stuff for the Artshow etc).
It's for this reason, more than any other Con, we've been keen to have things sorted before we get there. We've tried to do this every year since BC2, but this time there really is no fallback position.
If it ain't sorted, sorry chaps, we're changing nappies.
And, yes, we do want to do BC. Very much so!
Quite aside from the joy of pratting about and seeing how many people it entertains so well, and how many people do put so much effort into it (Quite aside from the folk who build robots!), we want the damn thing to entertain our kid at Eastercons when he reaches the age of three and over.
Provisional plans had been made to hold BC outside, which would have been a first, but this turns out not to be necessary.
After months of us bombarding them with requests for a Slot at 12.00 Noon: Sunday, an Arena, a room for the S.C.R.A.P. Workshop etc there's a rumour that this may be sorted.
We have no reason to doubt this, aside from doubt itself.
To date, all organisation we've been able to make (And promises based thereon) have been based on hearsay.
(Organising a Cybernetic Conflict Spectacular based on a Manufactured Pop Product was last seen in Speilberg/Kubrik's 'A.I.' so we'd like to appeal to Ian Watson to help us make sense of it all). Thus: Here's the details as we understand them: Yes: 12.00 Midday. Sunday.
For the duration of the event, we welcome soft fruit that does not damage or injure a) the performers, or b) the hotel. This is a lot trickier than it sounds and may well require expert consultation with Jack Cohen or someone equally well qualified.
As ever, let the 3 Rules of Cychotics be your Guide. (We've asked Admin about this and they haven't said 'No').
'S.C.R.A.P.' Workshop:
Thurs/Fri (Allegedly) 'til Sun Morning... somewhere.
'Holy Idol':
Somewhere... Sometime before BC.
'Wimple Workshop':
Chaos Costume Workshop. Thurs- Sun.
Debriefing Session
There are, as yet, no confirming details as to what the heck the Admin Team meant when they (According to rumour and speculation) announced that they will have a 'Debriefing Session' for BC. We've been organising this stuff since '96 and it's got us confused. We're hoping it is something to do with the Sprokkettes, but we could well be wrong here. Don't blame us if it's nothing to do with knickers, but we will, obviously, do our damnest to organise something tasteful along these lines.
B.C. Weapons Investigators
Recent concerns about 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' and the need for 'Weapons Investigators' have led us to appoint a highly qualified teams of Weapons Experts who will be charged with checking all equipment at the Convention to ascertain if it might possibly be turned into a good robot. We are happy to announce that we have, here, been able to obtain the services of the highly qualified 'Gimp Boys' whose knowledge of offensive weaponry is Legendary, if not indeed, Epic. Please assist these gentlemen as they go about their duties by showing them your weapon.
Held at Seacon 3: Hanover International Hotel. Hinkley.
'Ye Olde Beyonde Cyberdrome'
Trivia:
Yes. There probably will be some. But period trivia, mind.
The completists guide to the Robot Entries to date
(If we don't have photo's of your robot on this website, it's because we can't get hold of one.
Please remember, whilst we're presenting the thing, taking photos is a bit of a problem.
If you take any before the event, please send 'em in! Thanks)
So:
Entries
It's all up to you.
Winner:
?
Meanwhile: Of Eastercon 2004:
The Admin Team are very enthusiastic and:
Plans are apace for a daring use of The Winter Gardens'.
If all goes according to plan (?!?) then it might well add a new dimension to BC.
Watch this space...
